‎"Life is about change... sometimes its painful, sometimes its beautiful... most of the time its both."

ATTENTION FRIENDS: THIS IS NOT A FUN POST LOL! BUT IT'S ME!

I always wanted to keep a journal. You hear about the people who have their great great great grandmothers journal and how they cherish them. I've attempted to keep up on one many a time in my life. I be able to be faithful for a few weeks, and then get distracted. The thing I hate about my journals is they are all filled with boys. That seems to be the only thing I think is note worthy in my life. When I read back over them I end up ripping pages out because I sound so ridiculous. I was so excited to start a blog ....my way of attempting to remember random things about my life. SIDE NOTE: I have a horrible memory. Most of the memories I have are because of my pictures. When I see it, I can remember what we did....ect. I'm pretty sure that is why I am obsessed with pictures. So, back to being excited about blogging. I want to have the wonderful blogs like my friends. Honestly....right now I am not a fan of blogging. Don't get me wrong, I still love the idea....just right now I wish I could rip a few pages out. :) The hardest part of living in a world filled with technology is you have proof of what you said and did....ect. I have blogs, post, comments, pictures and a million updates that make me look like an idiot. I was in love, thinking my life was going to be wonderfuly happy in Texas. Little did I know that my husband was not feeling the same way. Now, depending on the day....I can be thankful to be getting out of my marriage for a million different reasons, or I can be crying and sometimes just down right pissed off about it.... for a million different reasons. I have wanted to write a blog about it....maybe even just to remember how I was feeling at this time in my life......but I think this is more than I want to remember. :)

I'm at a point in my life that I don't know where to go. I want to stomp my feet a say..." I am NOT leaving Texas! This is MY dream!" I want to go back home so when I cry, my mom can hug me. I want to be in Rexburg so bad I can almost taste it. Remember how I said I hate being an adult!? LIfe after divorce is not helping me get over that :) Wait....I mean during divorce.

I am not the first person to make a mistake.....and I don't even like calling it that. I'm not the first mormon woman to get divorced. The things I am going through are not firsts in the world, even though they are firsts for me....Kinda. :)

The awesome parts about Texas? Well first a formost.....I AM LIVING IN TEXAS! HELLO!! :) I love being around my Texas family. We have done so many fun things! I have a job.....and I LOVE IT! I am meeting a lot of people who think very differently than me. I do know one thing for sure, when it comes time for me to leave here....I will be able to look back with fondness.

Yesterday was my one year wedding anniversary. I admit it ....I cried. Life is crazy...but I cannot look back. I have to only look forward. Looking back only hurts me. I've spend hours trying to figure out where it all went wrong, and I'm pretty sure I know the minute. I remember what I was thinking and feeling, and I will use that as a lesson to myself. I take that back, I can think of a few.....but at least I know what they are.... or at least they are the things that I think happened. Who knows if I will ever really know. But I like my reasons. :) I don't want to be like Lot's wife......I want what is ahead of me....not behind me.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I have seen miracles in my life these last few months. They cannot be called anything but miracles. I know my life is not over.....it's just begining.....AGAIN! LOL! I have this picture on my facebook, my phone and now on here......because it helps me to remember that I can be happy, I AM HAPPY. Only more happiness is to come!





Soon I will figure out what I need to do with my life, and where I need to go. I am still in Texas because I need to close/ finish one chapter before I start another. I am young. I am beautiful. I am nice. I am fun. A lot of people truly love me. I am smart. I also know how to change, and am not affraid to do so.....ok maybe I am a little affraid of it.....but change can be a very good thing. Living the gospel is THE ONLY WAY to true happiness, and that is what I am focusing on to keep me sane. Hopefully I can post a blog again soon.....and maybe that day I will be feeling all happiness, rather than a mix of everything possible. :)

(Ever want to know what is going on in my brain? It's a lot like this....bouncing around all over the place! LOL! At least when I am writting something down....I attempt to focus.)